Thought for the Day
It isn’t really what I would call frightening, it’s more of
a non negotiable condition. You can even argue gender if you feel that you have
been put in the wrong body and there are plenty of people who are more than
willing to support your effort to be something you clearly are not. But, what I
am entertaining is this oversized, unmanageable condition of being something
nobody wants to have anything to do with. It’s almost as if you are poison and
the worry isn’t that you will hurt people it’s the worry that they will touch you or by osmosis engage this awful condition by being in contact with you. What is
worse is that it isn’t something that glares out at others and warns them to
stay away. This condition makes you invisible to most people and then most of
the people to whom you are not invisible you are of absolutely no interest or
you’re just despicable. They would rather go to church naked on Easter morning
for the sunrise service that nod at you from across the room.
In other words it isn’t that people don’t like me. It isn’t
that people are consciously hateful, horrible, stupid and disgusting. There is
not that much passion in the people who do not react to me. The real problem is
people don’t care about me at all. People would swear that I am not there. So
what I get is a lot of “no reaction” from people, even the people I arrange to
meet with.
If there is a party for the people with whom I spend the
bulk of my social time, I do not get invited. The absence of an invitation is
not the result of a spiteful act of meanness. It is not an act of
forgetfulness. It is the result of not being seen or considered in any way at
all. It is vapid, neutral, and unseeing, I don’t see you or hear you and I
don’t care so I think I’ll just snore if you insist on trying to make something
of this situation.
My life is like living with people who have narcolepsy. They
are not mean; they don’t even see me to be mean to. There is no passion, no
fear, no hatred, no love, no like, no admiration, and no notice, none, nada, ne
rien, nothing.
I know I’m worth something but why doesn’t it feel that way?
Have you ever been there?
Herb Ratliff, September 26, 2012, All Rights Reserved
I live in that world too. You describe it so well. I've called myself "the invisible woman" for years -- probably ever since turning 60. Part of it is age, I think, and part of it is living alone. We become sort of silent observers of the world and less participants than we might like. Even at the rare party, I often feel isolated. I would so like to find a social circle of people like me.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth a lot, Herb. The world walks past you and doesn't realize the intelligent, savvy, witty, talented, and kind person they are missing.
This was more outstretched hand than complaint, although I have felt as described in the blog. We need to remember that temporary conditions are temporary.
ReplyDeleteTrue about the temporary thing. Life is always ebbing and flowing.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of a song from Chicago.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKHzTtr_lNk